Parent Resources
Talking to Your Kids
By Martin Ledbetter
Talking to your kids, especially teens, can be frustrating and emotionally draining, but you know you’ve still got to do it. There are no pat solutions or formulas for success, and each encounter has its own unique “challenges.” Before you attempt your next adventure in cross-generational communication, consider the suggestions below — and good luck!
- Take a Trip Down Memory Lane. Too many parents overlook one of the greatest resources they have for understanding their kids: the fact that they were kids once, too. Draw on your own experience, but don’t focus on superficial differences like “I had to walk a mile in the snow to get to school, and kids nowadays ride in SUVs.” Focus on the feelings you used to have, the priorities, the way you saw your world. Remember that most kids just aren’t that complex. Almost every issue they have comes down to social acceptance and it’s many offshoots: popularity, status, conformity to the current standards of appearance, relative independence of action (or at least the appearance of same), success with the opposite sex, etc. And, of course, everything is emotionally loaded and a matter of life-or-death. Rationality frequently loses out. If you can reconnect with that mindset, the limited set of perceptions that define your child’s world, communication will be much easier for you.
- Keep it Real. No one can cut through BS like a teenager can. Don’t expect them to buy what you say just “because.” It won’t happen (see “Do Your Homework” below). If you come off like an advice columnist or a preacher, you lose. Try to talk to your child using the same tone of voice, the same natural cadence, and with the same feeling of interpersonal respect you’d use to talk to an adult friend. And, most importantly, be open, honest, and direct. They may still disagree with you, but you’ll be setting a tone that will make future conversations easier and less confrontational.
- Ask Penetrating Questions. Teens frequently answer questions as if they were grizzled TV cowboys, with a terse “Yup” or “Nope.” If you ask questions that only require a yes or no answer, that’s what you’ll probably get. Try to formulate questions that can’t be answered with yes or no. Then, listen to the answer and let the next question feed from that, digging down like a good courtroom lawyer would do. If necessary, watch some old “Perry Mason” reruns. Sometimes, you can learn a lot just by soliciting your children’s opinions, or by asking intelligent, informed questions about subjects that interest them.
- Be a Good Listener. Family discussions are often emotional discussions, and even if they don’t start out that way, they can quickly become emotional. You many not like what your child is saying, but give him enough space to say it. Don’t “step on his lines.” If possible, try to weave your communication into the context of everyday activities, like running errands in the car, doing household chores, etc. Keep it as casual and honest as possible. If you sit your children down for a “talk,” it will seem like an Inquisition, and they will shut down. And you should never try slip your serious conversation into a fun family outing (unless the child initiates it); you’ll lose credibility points. If you’re really stressed or tired, consider putting off your talk until you’re fresh and ready.
- Take the Time to Get to Know Your Child. This is much easier said than done. None of us seems to have a spare minute anymore, but if you really want to communicate with your child, you need to make enough time to let it develop. Children are often burdened with what they see as very weighty and potentially very embarrassing issues. You can’t expect them to just give you a quick core dump. If they feel they’ve got your undivided attention — don’t be sneaking glances at your watch — and the atmosphere is warmly casual, they might let you in. Don’t be afraid to share stories of your own challenges, embarrassments, and failures, but be candid and sincere about it. Don’t turn it into a Victorian morality parable. Allow your humanity to show.
- Do Your Homework. This may be the most important item on the list. It’s not just a stereotype: most teens actually do think they’re smarter and much cooler than you are. They see the proof every day. They’re obviously more technology savvy. Because they are studying the subjects right now, they can answer all the general math, science, and history minutiae that you’ve long forgotten. And, when it comes to what’s hip, you’ve been clueless since Buddy Holly died. Odds are they won’t take your opinion for anything. So, if there’s any convincing to be done, you’d better have supporting documentation. If you can refer them to a credible web site (a web site with the unsupported opinions of another adult doesn’t qualify unless it’s someone they already know and respect) or some other reference source, they are more likely to at least give some consideration to what you’re trying to say. Finally, don’t let the apparent lack of respect for your opinions upset you. You were the same way when you were that age. Yes, you were.